Write This Book: A Do-It-Yourself Mystery (The Secret Series) Read online

  **IF YOU’RE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO HAVE THEIR HEADS IN A BOOK ALL THE TIME—IF YOU’RE A READER, A REAL READER, IN OTHER WORDS—TAKE HEART. I WAS JUST LIKE YOU ONCE—AND LOOK HOW I ENDED UP! FRIENDLESS. ALONE. WRITING NONSENSICAL BOOKS THAT DRIVE PEOPLE LIKE YOU INSANE.

  *AS YOU PROBABLY GUESSED, I.B. ANONYMOUS IS A PSEUDONYM. A PSEUDONYM FOR A PSEUDONYM. WHICH MAKES IT A PSEUDOPSEUDONYM. WHICH IS LIKE THE DOUBLE NEGATIVE OF NAMES. WHICH MEANS… ALMOST NOTHING AT ALL.**

  ** BY THE WAY, THE LITTLE NOTE ABOVE THIS ONE? THAT’S A FOOTNOTE. SO IS THE NOTE YOU’RE READING. THIS IS A FOOTNOTE TO A FOOTNOTE… ABOUT FOOTNOTES. WHAT IS A FOOTNOTE? WELL, IT’S NOT A NOTE WRITTEN ON YOUR FOOT, IF THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE THINKING. NEITHER IS IT A NOTE WRITTEN WITH YOUR FOOT. A FOOTNOTE IS SIMPLY A NOTE ON THE BOTTOM—OR FOOT, GET IT?—OF A PAGE. AS YOU KNOW IF YOU’VE HAD THE MISFORTUNE OF READING ANY OF MY PREVIOUS BOOKS, A FOOTNOTE EXPLAINS OR ELABORATES ON SOMETHING THAT IS WRITTEN ABOVE IT. USUALLY, FOOTNOTES ARE INDICATED BY A NUMBER OR A STAR OR STARS (PLURAL) LIKE THESE ***. WHEN YOU SEE THE NUMBER OR STAR OR STARS (PLURAL), YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO LOOK DOWN TO THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE. YES, YOU SHOULD LOOK DOWN NOW.

  *** HA. MADE YOU LOOK.

  *A PREFACE USUALLY SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT A BOOK’S ORIGINS OR INSPIRATION. AS YOU MAY RECALL, A FOREWORD USUALLY SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT A BOOK’S ORIGINS OR INSPIRATION, AS WELL; AND I’VE ALREADY WRITTEN A FOREWORD TO THIS BOOK. THEREFORE, YOU’RE FREE TO WRITE ANYTHING YOU LIKE HERE. IF YOU MUST HAVE A TOPIC, YOU MIGHT TRY WRITING ABOUT YOUR BIGGEST FEARS ABOUT WRITING THIS BOOK—SO THAT I WILL KNOW HOW BEST TO FRIGHTEN YOU IN THE UPCOMING PAGES.

  * ACCORDING TO THE DICTIONARY DEFINITION, WE PROCRASTINATORS ARE PEOPLE WHO HABITUALLY POSTPONE DOING THINGS, BUT I PREFER TO THINK OF US AS PRO CRASTINATORS—IN OTHER WORDS, PROFESSIONAL CRASTINATORS. WHAT IS A CRASTINATOR? OH, I’LL TELL YOU LATER.

  * CONFUSED ABOUT THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN A FOREWORD, A PREFACE, AND A PROLOGUE? IF IT’S ANY CONSOLATION, I AM, TOO.

  * FOR A FEW FAMOUS EXAMPLES OF OPENING SENTENCES, CHECK THE BACK OF THIS BOOK.

  * SHE’S NOT WRONG; MANY WRITERS READ THEIR WORDS ALOUD. IT’S A GREAT WAY TO FIGURE OUT WHAT WORKS AND WHAT NEEDS CUTTING. NEEDLESS TO SAY, I RARELY DO THIS MYSELF. I PREFER TO WRITE AS I LIVE—IN IGNORANCE.

  * EVERY AUTHOR NEEDS A UNIFORM. TOM WOLFE, FOR EXAMPLE, IS KNOWN FOR WEARING ONLY WHITE SUITS. ANOTHER AUTHOR I CAN THINK OF NEVER LEAVES HIS HOUSE WITHOUT HIS SUNGLASSES. HE THINKS IT MAKES HIM LOOK DASHING AND MYSTERIOUS. PLEASE DON’T TELL HIM OTHERWISE.

  * JUST TO BE CLEAR, WHEN I SAY THAT YOU SHOULD INCLUDE THOSE THREE THINGS IN YOUR MISE EN PLACE, I DON’T MEAN THAT YOU SHOULD HAVE AN ACTUAL HERO BY YOUR SIDE—ALTHOUGH THAT MIGHT HELP—ONLY THE IDEA FOR ONE.

  * IN THE LAST CENTURY THERE WAS A REAL PERSON, AN ARTIST, NAMED MAX-ERNST, BUT HIS ART WASN’T ESPECIALLY EARNEST OR REAL; IT WAS SURREAL.

  * ACCORDING TO LEGEND, THE BELGIAN CRIME WRITER GEORGES SIMENON WROTE DOSSIERS FOR EVERY ONE OF HIS CHARACTERS, DOSSIERS SO COMPREHENSIVE THAT THEY INCLUDED INFORMATION HE NEVER INTENDED TO USE. KNOWING HIS CHARACTERS SO COMPLETELY HELPED HIM WRITE BETTER, HE CLAIMED. SINCE HE PUBLISHED MORE THAN TWO HUNDRED BOOKS, I DOUBT HE COULD HAVE KEPT TRACK OF HIS CHARACTERS OTHERWISE.

  * ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, YOU CAUGHT ME. I HAVEN’T ACTUALLY READ ANYTHING YOU’VE WRITTEN. I’M JUST TRYING TO ENCOURAGE YOU IN THAT EMPTY, MEANINGLESS WAY ADULTS SOMETIMES DO. IT’S INSULTING TO YOUR INTELLIGENCE, I KNOW. I APOLOGIZE. I’LL TRY TO BE MORE RESPECTFUL IN THE FUTURE.

  * WHAT IS DRAMATIC TENSION? DRAMATIC TENSION IS WHAT INCREASES AS YOU WAIT FOR A DEFINITION OF DRAMATIC TENSION. IT IS WHAT KEEPS YOU READING. IT IS KNOWING THAT A SURPRISE AWAITS BEHIND THE NEXT CORNER. DRAMATIC TENSION IS WAITING FOR THE AX TO FALL… AND BELIEVE ME, IT WILL.

  ** I ALWAYS NAME MY CHAPTERS AT THE END; I USED TO NAME CHAPTERS BEFORE WRITING THEM, BUT YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE HOW MANY CHAPTERS I’VE CALLED “ADVENTURE DOWN AT THE QUARRY” ONLY TO FIND THAT THERE IS NO QUARRY.

  * STYLE NOTE: NEVER OVERUSE EXCLAMATION MARKS; IT IS THE MARK OF AN AMATEUR WRITER. YOUR WORDS SHOULD BE ASSERTIVE ENOUGH TO STAND ALONE. THEN AGAIN, I MUST ADMIT, EXCLAMATION MARKS CAN BE FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  * FOR A LONGER LIST OF LITERARY ORPHANS, TURN TO THE PARENTAL OBITUARY SECTION IN THE APPENDIX.

  * IF YOU THINK I MIGHT HAVE OTHER REASONS FOR NOT DESCRIBING THE AUTHOR’S HOUSE—IF YOU THINK I MIGHT BE AFRAID OF GIVING TOO MUCH AWAY, LIKE MY OWN LOCATION—THEN YOU ARE AS PARANOID AS I AM. AND YOU ARE 100 PERCENT CORRECT.

  * CREAKILY? NOISELESSLY? THIS SEEMS LIKE A GOOD SPOT FOR SPOOKY WRITING (OR FOR WRITING SPOOKILY). SPEAKING OF SPOOKING, YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT SOME WRITERS ARE SPOOKED BY ADVERBS. THEY THINK -LY WORDS ARE UNNECESSARY AND SLOW YOUR WRITING DOWN. I SUFFER FROM NO SUCH SCRUPLES AND CHEERFULLY—NO, HAPPILY; NO, JOYFULLY; NO, EXUBERANTLY!—EXULT IN USING ADVERBS EXCESSIVELY.

  * I’M SORRY, YOU WILL HAVE TO SUPPLY A BRAND NAME YOURSELF. THE ACTUAL BRAND OF CHOCOLATE BAR I EAT—ER, THAT I.B. EATS—IS STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL. IN THE WRONG HANDS, THIS INFORMATION COULD BE MY DOWNFALL.

  * IF A PIECE OF PAPER HAS BEEN WRITTEN ON WITH LEMON JUICE—ONE OF THE MOST COMMON TYPES OF INVISIBLE INK—HEATING THE PAPER WILL REVEAL THE HIDDEN WRITING. JUST DON’T LET THE TEMPERATURE OF YOUR PAPER RISE ABOVE 451 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT. THAT IS THE TEMPERATURE AT WHICH PAPER STARTS TO BURN, DESTROYING NOT JUST INVISIBLE INK BUT VISIBLE INK AS WELL.

  * PERHAPS THE DOUBLE MEANING OF PLOT IS THE REASON THAT AUTHORS’ BURIAL PLOTS ARE SUCH POPULAR TOURIST ATTRACTIONS. REPUTEDLY, SO MANY VISITORS KISSED THE TOMBSTONE OF THE NINETEENTH-CENTURY PLAYWRIGHT AND POET OSCAR WILDE THAT THE FRENCH CEMETERY WHERE HE WAS BURIED, PèRE LACHAISE, HAD TO DISALLOW IT.

  * A DETECTIVE IS SOMETIMES KNOWN AS A “GUMSHOE.” (THIS IS EITHER BECAUSE DETECTIVES WALK SO MUCH OR BECAUSE THE SOLES OF THEIR SHOES MUST BE SOFT TO BE SILENT—I’M NOT SURE WHICH.) ALL AUTHORS PUT THEMSELVES IN A GUMSHOE’S SHOES AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER; RE-CREATING PAST EVENTS (REAL OR IMAGINED) IS THE JOB OF DETECTIVE AND WRITER ALIKE.

  * NATURALLY, I’M NOT SUGGESTING THAT YOU SHOULD GO THROUGH YOUR NEIGHBOR’S MAIL. BUT ANYBODY WHO CLAIMS (LIKE I.B.) THAT HE LIVES IN THE JUNGLE AND COMMUNICATES THROUGH PENGUINS IS FAIR GAME.

  * I’M SORRY—I HAD TO PUT SNARKY IN SCARE QUOTES. I DON’T LIKE THE WORD IN GENERAL, AND I CERTAINLY DON’T LIKE IT APPLIED TO ME—ER, I MEAN, TO I.B. I PREFER TO DESCRIBE MY WRITING WITH WORDS LIKE IRONIC… SOPHISTICATED… SUBTLE… ERUDITE…. SHALL I GO ON?

  * I REFER HERE TO THE OTHER SIDE AS INTRODUCED IN THE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL BOOKS OF THE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL I.B. ANONYMOUS. ANY OTHER SIDE THAT MIGHT OR MIGHT NOT BE MENTIONED IN MY OWN BOOKS IS ENTIRELY BESIDE THE POINT.

  * IF YOU LIKE, YOU CAN COMBINE TWO OR THREE OF THESE GENRES, OR EVEN CHOOSE A DIFFERENT GENRE ALTOGETHER, BUT IF YOU DO, YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN. I CAN ONLY KEEP SO MANY POSSIBILITIES IN MIND AT ONCE.

  * RAYMOND CHANDLER WAS AN AMERICAN NOVELIST AND SCREENWRITER FAMOUS FOR HIS NOIR STORIES AND BOOKS. HE MIGHT NEVER HAVE WRITTEN A DETECTIVE STORY HAD THE GREAT DEPRESSION NOT CAUSED HIM TO LOSE HIS JOB AS AN OIL COMPANY EXECUTIVE. OIL COMPANY EXECUTIVE? NO WONDER HE WAS SO GOOD AT WRITING STORIES ABOUT CRIMINALS…. DASHIELL HAMMETT WAS ANOTHER AMERICAN AUTHOR OF DETECTIVE NOVELS AND SHORT STORIES. HE LEFT SCHOOL AT THIRTEEN BUT GOT ALL THE MATERIAL HE NEEDED FOR HIS WRITING WHILE WORKING AS AN OPERATIVE FOR THE PINKERTON NATIONAL DETECTIVE AGENCY. IF THERE IS A MESSAGE IN THAT, I’M NOT GOING TO SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU—BECAUSE I CAN’T.

  * THE AUTHOR OF THE EARTHSEA BOOKS, AMONG OTHER FANTASY CLASSICS, URSULA K. LE GUIN SUBMITTED HER FIRST STORY TO A SCIENCE-FICTION MAGAZINE AT THE AGE OF ELEVEN. IT WAS REJECTED. SHE WENT ON TO WIN EVERY SCIENCE-FICTION PRIZE KNOWN TO HUMAN OR ALIEN…. J.R.R. TOLKIEN WAS AN ENGLISH AUTHOR MOST FAMOUS FOR WRITING THE HOBBIT AND THE LORD OF THE RINGS. THE SURNAME TOLKIEN IS THOUGHT TO COME FROM THE GERMAN WORD TOLLKüHN, WHICH MEANS “FOOLHARDY.” HOWEVER, TOLKIEN WAS RECENTLY NAMED ONE OF THE TOP FIVE HIGHEST-EARNING DEAD CELEBRITIES. HE HARDLY SOUNDS LIKE A FOOL.

  * BRAM
STOKER WAS THE AUTHOR OF THE ORIGINAL DRACULA, WHICH MEANS HE WAS SOMETHING OF A VAMPIRE HIMSELF (BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW IT TAKES A VAMPIRE TO MAKE A VAMPIRE)…. MARY SHELLEY WAS THE AUTHOR OF THE ORIGINAL FRANKENSTEIN; OR, THE MODERN PROMETHEUS, WHICH MAKES HER SOMETHING LIKE THE BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN, ONLY WITH LESS MAKEUP.

  * I BELIEVE MY ERSTWHILE AMANUENSIS (THAT MEANS “FORMER WRITER’S ASSISTANT,” IF YOU’RE WONDERING) IS HERE QUOTING FROM SHAKESPEARE’S MERCHANT OF VENICE. NOBODY EVER ACCUSED THAT RABBIT OF NOT HAVING A FLAIR FOR THE DRAMATIC.

  * MAN, THAT JOKE STINKS! (THANK GOODNESS MOST WRITERS WRITE IN PRIVATE, WHERE NOBODY CAN SMELL THEM.)

  * THIS CRIMINAL UNDERWORLD IS NOT A LITERAL, UNDERGROUND UNDERWORLD, SUCH AS YOU MIGHT FIND IN GREEK MYTHOLOGY OR UNDERNEATH A GOPHER HOLE. ALTHOUGH IT’S TRUE THAT PLENTY OF GREEK GODS—AND PLENTY OF GOPHERS—ARE KNOWN TO HAVE BEEN CRIMINALS.

  * THREE-CARD MONTE IS A “SHELL GAME” INVOLVING THREE CARDS. THE PERFORMER—TYPICALLY, A STREET MAGICIAN—SHOWS YOU A CARD, THEN ASKS YOU TO FOLLOW THE CARD AS HE MOVES IT AND TWO OTHER CARDS AROUND ON A TABLE. AT THE END, YOU CAN’T PICK OUT THE ORIGINAL CARD, AND YOU BLAME THE SPEED OF THE PERFORMER’S HANDS. IN FACT, THE SPEED DOESN’T MATTER AT ALL; HE HAS SWAPPED THE ORIGINAL CARD WITH ONE OF THE OTHER TWO CARDS AT THE VERY BEGINNING. NEVER LET YOURSELF GET LURED INTO A GAME OF THREE-CARD MONTE. YOU WILL LOSE. UNLESS, OF COURSE, I’M THE ONE DEALING THE CARDS. ME YOU CAN TRUST. NOW PUT YOUR DOLLAR ON THE TABLE AND WATCH CLOSELY….

  * FLAP COPY IS THE WRITING, OR “COPY,” THAT GOES ON THE FLAP OF A BOOK COVER. IT’S SUPPOSED TO ENTICE YOU TO READ (OR, MORE TO THE POINT, BUY) THE BOOK DESCRIBED. TRUTH AND ACCURACY NOT ESSENTIAL.

  * AN OFF-TOPIC FOOTNOTE: OFF TOPIC MEANS “OFF THE SUBJECT,” BUT NOT NECESSARILY OFF THE WALL (WHICH I’M SURE I DON’T HAVE TO DEFINE FOR YOU) OR OFF-COLOR (WHICH I PROBABLY SHOULDN’T DEFINE FOR YOU). MY ASIDE ABOUT THE EXPRESSION OFF-COLOR WAS OFFHANDED, MEANING IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK, RATHER THAN SOMETHING WITH A LOT OF THOUGHT PUT INTO IT. (IN THAT SENSE, THIS WHOLE BOOK IS OFFHANDED.) OFFAL REFERS TO PARTS OF AN ANIMAL NOT USUALLY EATEN, LIKE THE INTESTINES (SOMETIMES CALLED INNARDS OR TRIPE) OR THE PANCREAS (SOMETIMES CALLED SWEETBREADS). SOME PEOPLE CONSIDER OFFAL A DELICACY; OTHERS MIGHT THINK IT TASTES SOMETHING AWFUL. (NOTHING, HOWEVER, COULD LEAVE AS BAD A TASTE AS THAT TERRIBLE PUN.) IF FOOD IS OFF, IT’S SPOILED. IF A PERSON IS OFF, HE’S A BIT SUSPICIOUS-SEEMING. OR ELSE HE’S JUST NOT AS ON AS HE USUALLY IS. SOMEBODY WHO’S ALWAYS ON IS SOMEBODY WHO’S ALWAYS PERFORMING, ALWAYS TRYING TO GET A LAUGH—EVEN WHEN HE’S NOT VERY FUNNY. (I’M NOT NAMING NAMES.) IF SOMETHING IS JUST PLAIN OFF, IT’S ALL WRONG, OR AT LEAST A LITTLE BIT IFFY. (I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF ANYTHING BEING OFFY, BUT IF YOU’D LIKE TO USE THE WORD, GIVE IT A TRY.) AN OFFICE, AS YOU KNOW, IS NOT JUST A PLACE OF WORK, IT’S ALSO A POSITION HELD, SUCH AS THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT OR THE OFFICE OF THE CLASS CLOWN. IF SOMEONE IS OFFICIOUS, HE IS TOO BY-THE-BOOKS AND RULE-ORIENTED, AND WE DON’T LIKE HIM. IF HE’S OAFISH, THEN HE’S PROBABLY A DOLT. A PERSON WHO FALLS OFF THE WAGON IS A DRUNK WHO WAS TRYING TO STAY SOBER BUT CAN’T HELP HAVING A DRINK. IF SOMEBODY GOES OFF ON YOU, HE’S PROBABLY ANGRY AND SAYING MEAN THINGS TO YOU. HE MAY EVEN BE TELLING YOU OFF. IF HE’S OFF TO WORK, HE’S GOING TO WORK. BUT IF HE’S OFF WORK, HE’S ON VACATION. HE MIGHT EVEN BE TRYING TO WORK OFF SOME POUNDS. BY NOW YOU MUST THINK I’M A LITTLE OFF CENTER OR OFF BALANCE, IF NOT DOWNRIGHT OFF MY ROCKER—UNLESS I’M COMPLETELY OFF TARGET AND YOU’RE FOLLOWING MY THINKING, IN WHICH CASE YOU MUST BE AS OFFY AS I AM. BUT SOMETIMES IT IS BY TURNING OFF YOUR CRITICAL FACULTIES, BY ALLOWING YOURSELF TO VEER OFF COURSE, BY NOT CUTTING OFF A MEANDERING CHAIN OF THOUGHT (OR DO YOU PREFER TRAIN OF THOUGHT? TRAIL OF THOUGHT? STREAM OF THOUGHT?) THAT THE MOST CREATIVE IDEAS EMERGE. SOMETIMES. OK, THAT’S IT, I’M DONE SOUNDING OFF.

  * I KNOW, I PROMISED I WOULD STOP SHOWERING YOU WITH EMPTY PRAISE. SORRY.

  * WHEN I FIRST STARTED WRITING BOOKS FOR YOUNG PEOPLE, MY PUBLISHERS TOLD ME THERE COULDN’T BE ANY “LANGUAGE” IN MY BOOKS. HOW CAN I WRITE A BOOK WITHOUT LANGUAGE, I ASKED, VERY CONFUSED. IS IT SUPPOSED TO BE ALL PICTURES? IT TURNED OUT THEY MEANT “BAD” LANGUAGE. FOR INSTANCE, I WASN’T SUPPOSED TO USE THE WORD—OOPS! I’D BETTER STOP BEFORE I PUT MY FOOTNOTE IN MY MOUTH.

  * PHEW, NOT A REAL CIGARETTE. ANOTHER BULLET DODGED. OH, WAIT—NO BULLETS!

  * THERE SEEMS TO BE SOME DIFFERENCE OF OPINION ABOUT THE PROPER PLURAL FORM OF DWARF: IS IT DWARFS OR DWARVES? SINCE WE ARE HERE TALKING ABOUT IMAGINARY CREATURES, I THINK YOU CAN SAFELY USE EITHER SPELLING WITHOUT FEAR OF A DWARF TAKING OFFENSE.

  * AN ARCHETYPE IS THE ORIGINAL MODEL OR IDEAL FORM OF A TYPE OF PERSON, PERSONALITY, OR BEHAVIOR. A STEREOTYPE IS THE OVERSIMPLIFICATION OR CLICHéD RENDERING OF A TYPE OF PERSON, PERSONALITY, OR BEHAVIOR. THE DIFFERENCE: MOSTLY IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER.

  * IMPORTANT LESSON: SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO SACRIFICE YOUR ARTISTIC INTEGRITY FOR THE GREATER GOOD.

  * OR IS IT? DON’T WANT IT TO END? IF YOU WANT TO KEEP WRITING THIS BOOK, GO TO www.thesecretseries.com

  * WHY WAIT FOR THE WORLD TO GIVE YOU ONE? HECK, WHY WAIT UNTIL YOU FINISH WRITING YOUR BOOK?

  * THE DIRECTOR PETER BOGDANOVICH ONCE ASKED ORSON WELLES WHAT HE THOUGHT OF A PROSPECTIVE TITLE FOR BOGDANOVICH’S UPCOMING FILM PAPER MOON. WELLES SAID, “THAT TITLE IS SO GOOD, YOU SHOULDN’T EVEN MAKE THE PICTURE; YOU SHOULD JUST RELEASE THE TITLE!”

  * THANKS TO SPECIAL AGENT MAX MINDICH FOR THE QUESTIONS!

  *THE GREAT THING ABOUT BEING AN ANONYMOUS PSEUDONYMOUS AUTHOR IS THAT I GET TO PRETEND I WRITE MY BOOKS ALL BY MYSELF. I DON’T ACKNOWLEDGE THE HELP I RECEIVE, BECAUSE I CAN’T ACKNOWLEDGE IT; IT’S SECRET. YOU, ALAS, HAVE NO SUCH EXCUSE. USE THIS SPACE TO THANK ALL THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE ASSISTED YOU IN THE MAKING OF THIS BOOK. I SUGGEST YOU START WITH ME.

  * I.E., YOU.

  TABLE OF CONTENTS*

  WELCOME

  DEDICATION PAGE

  EPIGRAPH

  FOREWORD

  PREFACE

  CHAPTER ONE:

  Beginnings: The Blank Page

  CHAPTER TWO:

  Writing Materials: The mise en place

  CHAPTER THREE:

  Your Heroes: From A to Z

  CHAPTER FOUR:

  AKA Chapter 1

  CHAPTER FIVE:

  Location: The Author’s House

  CHAPTER SIX:

  Location (Continued):On the Inside

  CHAPTER SEVEN:

  Plot… Plot… Plot

  CHAPTER EIGHT:

  Mysteries: Gumshoes

  CHAPTER NINE:

  Genre as Pizza

  CHAPTER TEN:

  Fictional Worlds: The Other Side

  CHAPTER ELEVEN:

  A Trail of Chocolate: Keeping Your Book on Track

  CHAPTER TWELVE:

  A Side of Fries

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN:

  The Tension Mounts

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN:

  Villain: A Good Bad Guy

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN:

  The Climax

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN:

  Coming Home

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN:

  The End—P.B.’s Version

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  ADVANCE PRAISE FOR WRITE THIS BOOK

  APPENDIX

  COPYRIGHT

  COPYRIGHT PAGE*

  Traditional (and absolutely completely totally sincere) disclaimer:

  The characters and events in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

  Text copyright © 2013 Pseudonymous Bosch

  Illustrations copyright © 2013 by Gilbert Ford

  Book design by Alison Impey

  Copyright © 2013 by Hachette Book Group, Inc.

  All rights reserved. In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of any part of this book without the permission of the publisher constitute unlawful piracy and theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you wo
uld like to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior written permission must be obtained by contacting the publisher at [email protected].

  Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.

  Little, Brown Books for Young Readers

  Hachette Book Group

  237 Park Avenue, New York, NY 10017

  www.lb-kids.com

  First e-book edition: April 2013

  The publisher is not responsible for websites (or their content) that are not owned by the publisher.

  ISBN 978-0-316-20783-6